There’s nobody, and I mean NOBODY, that I respect more than overweight athletes. The legends who munch donuts on a Tuesday, finish a 12 pack on a Wednesday, and smash 2 home runs on a Thursday. We don’t disparage these gentle giants, we celebrate them. These are the biggest bad asses with the biggest asses. Sure anyone can “hit the gym”, anyone can “get in shape” and be an all star. Real impressive. The true heroes are our boisterous big boys with glorious guts socking dingers and throwin’ gas.
Today we pay tribute to their accomplishments. So to honor our champions their feats will be broken down into 4 distinct categories:
- How well known are they for being a fat guy? Would “Here lays an extraordinary fat man” be on their tombstone or would the fact that he carries around a few extra pounds be a side comment made in passing. Those “need to lose 10” try-hards can go sip on some MetRx and hit up SoulCycle to get their beach bod. The real winners bask in their glow.
- How unhealthy was their diet? Were they known to chug a few brewskis, throw in a lip and puff a stogie or 2? If my man was eatin’ Doritos and Cheetos in the dugout to get that cheese residue on his fingertips to get that extra break on his curveball then he owns my heart.
- What kind of nickname are they rolling with? You think anyone gave a shit about Clark fuckin Kent? No, don’t think so. Then Superman comes around and he’s picking up Lois Lane and flying.
- How much success did they have as a fat guy? This is very crucial. If they had success during their try-hard “fit” days, no points awarded here. We need to see big numbers all across the board and that includes the scale.
Got it? Good, you better. Because there will be no fat shaming here. Not on my watch. The Big Boy Hall of Fame does not take this lightly. On with the selections then for our inaugural class of 2017:
10. Mo Vaughn – THE HIT DOG
Stats: 6’1, 275
Nickname: The Hit Dog
Mo Vaughn, great fat guy name. Pretty much made this list for that exclusive reason. If your name is “Mo” and you’re not a fat guy, change your goddamn name. Either that or gain 50 pounds, and fast. It’s disrespectful to the rest of us. Big Mo, “The Hit Dog” also made this list for the sole reason that he gained 50 pounds the second he joined the Mets at the end of his career. Went from a svelte 225 to a preposterous 275 lbs the second he signed his big deal. That’s a classic “I don’t give a fuck” move. So is the bad boy persona he built up as he publicly fought with the front office in Boston, reaching its peak when he crashed his truck driving back from a strip club. Classic Mo.
A couple things holding him back from the true greats, like the fact that he had the majority of his success when he was actually in shape at 225 lbs. In fact, he was in such good shape he was accused of taking steroids. There’s actually a chance he injected a needle or two and forgot to do the whole “working out” bit but that’s neither here nor there. I got Mo’s back.
Known as a fat guy: 5 Diet: 4 Nickname: 7 Success as a fat guy: 4
TOTAL = 20
9. Dmitri Young – DA MEAT HOOK
Stats: 6’2, 300
Nickname: Da Meat Hook
Dmitri and Mo, 2 peas in a pod. Dmitri also thought it was cool to put up big numbers at a young gun weight. Then he had bigger sights in mind and really went for the gold. He started hitting up every bar he could find in downtown Detroit, ending his playing days with the Tigers doing a rehab stint and shockingly getting released. How’d our boy respond? Da Meat Hook hit a cool .320 career high average in his new home in Washington. He only lasted one more year, but his legacy had been forged.
Known as a fat guy: 7 Diet: 5 Nickname: 8 Success as a fat guy: 6
TOTAL = 26
8. CC Sabathia
Stats: 6’7, 325
Oh Carsten Charles, you’ll always have a soft spot in my heart. Your weight fluctuates like your weekend drinking binges, they come and they go as they please. You have no control over them. My personal favorite was when you tried convincing everyone that you were “too skinny” the year before and that was the reason why you needed to gain back the weight in the off-season. A classic ploy, but you care a little too much about your image to move up with the heavyweights on this list. Not enough Bad Boy for me, “Carsten Charles”. You’re still having an identity crisis on whether you’re a 17 year old boarding school kid rocking boat shoes in middle Connecticut or if you’re CC from the Bronx. I get it, we’ve all been there. Let me just give you a little piece of advice from a guy who knows a thing or 3. Embrace the weight my man, embrace it.
Known as a fat guy: 5 Diet: 7 Nickname: 5 Success as a fat guy: 9
TOTAL = 26
7. Pablo Sandoval – KUNG FU PANDA
Stats: 5’11, 255
Nickname: Kung Fu Panda
“I don’t try to lose weight or nothing. I just do my work, feel better,’’ Sandoval told reporters Sunday. That’s the Panda I know and love. That sheepish look as he’s got a bowl of pasta in one cheek and a Snickers in the other. Pablo doesn’t need to “weigh in” or “try to lose weight”. Pablo loves his body, curves and all. And so should you.
The Kung Fu Panda eats what he wants to eat. The Giants didn’t like that too much, so they told the front desk at hotels “If he calls down for room service at night after games, do not send anything to this room,” (via Deadspin). So what did our boy Pablo do? He threw up the deuce and said “adios” San Francisco and left for better [eating] pastures in Boston. That led to the famous (infamous in some uppity media circles) picture above of the Panda checking into Spring training with a glorious gut that you could bounce a 5 year old off of like a trampoline.
Sadly for Mr. Kung Fu he was sent to the minors for being GAWD AWFUL in the first year of his stint with the Sox. There are rumors flying around that he’s been “losing weight” and staying slim. But we all know better. It’s only a matter of time before he’s caught red handed at the hotel’s all you can eat dessert buffet with a bowl of ziti tucked under one arm for good measure.
Known as a fat guy: 8 Diet: 8 Nickname: 8 Success as a fat guy: 6
TOTAL = 30
6. Cecil Fielder – BIG DADDY
Stats: 6’3, 275
Nickname: Big Daddy
How ironic that Big Daddy would prove be to be the perfect nickname after his son ballooned to an even bigger version of big Cecil. While Prince may have a few extra lbs on the old man, there is nobody, and I mean nobody who has a bigger ass than the Big Daddy. Cecil may have been playing in Detroit but dat ass was lounging in Ypsilanti. I’m convinced all of his power came from that magical behind, look at this MONSTER HR that flies out of the stadium.
You can’t tell me that ass had nothing to do with it.
Known as a fat guy: 9 Diet: 8 Nickname: 6 Success as a fat guy: 8
TOTAL = 31